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Monday, September 3rd, 2007
9:20 am - 3 Rats
Gyros and Souflaki are no more.

Souflaki died last Friday, he seemed to have had a peaceful and easy dead.
Gyros died this morning at the vet, we had no choice since he couldn't drink by himself anymore.

The lived with me for two years. I'm very grateful that I've been allowed to take care of them. Two small but very bright lights in my life.

I'm not alone, though. A friend brought me a young rat some three weeks ago. The little one is about 5 months old, he is named "Grauer Matsch" (Grey Mud) after the two main characteristics of the big larp event I'd attended just before I got him, the Drachenfest: my char belonged to the Grey Dragon and after days of rain it was a mud-fight in the purest sense of the word. ;)

Thank you, Gyros and Souflaki.
Welcome, Grauer Matsch.

current mood: sad

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Thursday, July 26th, 2007
1:30 pm - Okay.... :)
As I've been told, some of you have been worried because I deleted my journal.
The reason was simply that I rarely found the time or was in the mood to write anything. You really don't want to tell your friends again and again that you're depressed if your know that you just feel this way because you're depressive. That's boring. ;)

I was very moved about your worries. So I'm going to continue, if only to write sometimes "Hey, I feel depressed, but that's okay - just so you know I'm still here." :D

BTW, 'feeling depressed' is a relative statement. The depression is much better these days.

current mood: content

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Sunday, March 25th, 2007
1:27 pm - at the hospital
Sorry folks, have been silent very long. To tell the simple truth: I've been at the hospital since March 13th. The reason was an epileptic fit (not unexpected since I had tried to reduce the medcine since about December) which unfortunately strengthened my depression (yes, I'm depressive). Therefore I decided that I couldn't stay at home alone any longer.
In the meantime I'm feeling better. The doc allowed me to spend Saturday and Sunday at home, and it's possible that I will leave the hospital within the next two weeks.
I hope that all of you are well. I don't have an internet connection there (and admittedly don't miss it), so I couldn't read your journals. Have fun, enjoy the spring and may the Gods bless you!

current mood: depressed

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Sunday, January 21st, 2007
9:14 pm - Two 'new' beginnings
The first: today I started for the second time in my life with riding lessons. Had some ten about fifteen years ago. Back then I never managed to do more than a trot and didn't feel very well with it. Then my life changed and I had to stop.
Today, the teacher worked hard on my balance and in the end I had my first canter. WOW!

The second: it seems almost unbelievable but I manged to upload the next chapter of the Narn Gil Galad.... The aged and wise among you may remember what it is. ;)

Narn Gil Galad chapter 25: Mithlond

Perhaps, life is starting again, after all.

current mood: content

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Friday, January 19th, 2007
9:58 am - Stormy weather
Should have known better. Yesterday around 1 p.m. already it was announced in the radio that a lot of trains would be cancelled due to the coming storm. Well, I knew better, of course - hadn't I access to the website at the internet where Germany's train service shows up all delays? And there was almost nothing - just the usual 5-20 minutes on three or four trains. So it seemed all a little exagerrated.
Left work at 4.20 p.m. which means that usually I would have been home around 5.10 p.m. Instead, I came home at 7 p.m.! City-line wasn't going anymore and the IC first had to skip Bochum (no problem - that way we would be earlier at Dortmund main station, they said "around 5.10 p.m.") but then we had to stop at Castrop Rauxel (yeah, those funny German city-names!), some twenty kilometres from Dortmund, altogether.
Fortunately, I have good friends. Called my boyfriend Christian at first but couldn't reach him (yep, those small mobile-phone-networks - cheap but the first to be dropped out of the bigger nets as they are only resellers). Tried Erik then - and he agreed at once to pick me up. *hugs Erik*
Which was also good luck for three other women who like me had to go to Dortmund but no one to fetch them. They not only got a free ride back home (instead of having to find a hotel room in Castrop Rauxel) but Erik even delivered each of them at their respective homes. Is he a fantastic person, he?

Christian visited me and we spent a nice evening while the storm pressed against the windows (me wants blindsssss, my preciousss).

This morning train-service is still not operating in Dortmund. So I have a day-off which I intend to use for the next chapter of the Narn Gil Galad and my annual wage-tax adjustment (those of you who believe that I did not have to look up this word: there's a nice bridge in Brooklyn which I could offer you for a really good prize...).

All in all it seems as if the storm, though heavy, has damaged a lot but could have been much worse. No storm surge at the North Sea coast and 'only' eight people dead in Germany.

Okay, Gil Galad's waiting and you know how these Elf-kings can be, so please excuse me.

current mood: content

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Friday, December 22nd, 2006
9:47 am - First tea after 10 years
After we met again after ten years, Christian visited me for the first time yesterday evening.
It was strange, somehow. Because it's been such a long time but all that seemed to have changed was the color of the sofa we were sitting on. We laughed, we talked, we drank tea, we hugged. It's like a dream. And we agreed that if our story was a movie, people would call it kitsch and unrealistic. But it's true and what better Christmas present could one get?

And yet I hold back, in a way. Because I don't want him to become too involved in my current problems. He deserves better - and he is one of the people who help and support others regardless of the costs. He understood. However, it's a big temptation just to cuddle into the arms of a good friend again and accept whatever he is willing to give.
But this time I want to avoid the past mistakes.

Welcome back, Christian.

current mood: peaceful

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Thursday, December 21st, 2006
2:11 pm - Happy Winter Solstice
Happy Yule and may the Gods bless you!

current mood: happy

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Sunday, December 17th, 2006
12:30 pm - Sounds like a miracle...
I once had a very good friend named Christian. Ten years ago. We were very close, but never became a couple since I loved someone else. Then there was a...misunderstanding. A great argument. For ten years, I believed that he had betrayed me, my heart.
Only recently I've learned something and realised that maybe he wasn't as bad as I had believed. I also understood that I had wronged him, unknowingly - and at that time I couldn't know better - but nonetheless. So I tried to find him. Last Friday I went through Dortmund for ours, talked to old neighbours and in the end, I've found the place where he lives. I left him a short note and phone numbers.
I couldn't guess if he would react, we had been very close, I had wronged him and ten years are a long time. For all I knew he could be the happy father of three with no interest in the past and its pains. At least, I thought, he would think about it for a while and prepared to wait.
Instead he called me yesterday morning. It was a very awkward conversation, as you can imagine, at least in the beginning. Later we thawed and even laughed. I explained and apologised and so did he. At the end of the conversation we didn't make any plans to call again or just agreed if we would try to continue the contact.
Later I went to Dortmund for shopping. The mall is hell on wings on each Saturday (Dortmund has about 600,000 inhabitants!) but at the moment, with the huge Christmas fair, it's positively murderous. When I returned home, for some reason I didn't want to use the train (as I usually do) but wanted to return by subway and bus. And on the way to the Subway station, suddenly one of the (thousands of) people who passed me suddenly turned around and grapped my shoulder.
It was Christian!

I looked at him for a second and couldn't believe it. And before I could stop or just think about it, I hugged him closely. It was like finding something you had lost years ago. Well, actually that's what it was, right?
We started to talk and since it rained, went to a small cafe. There we stayed for two? three? hours. I could feel the difference but there was also the old friendship. When we parted this time, we agreed to keep in contact. I hope it will work.
For the rest of the day I was totally confused. Drove with a friend to a party and gave her wrong instructions about the way. Forgot the present. And so on.

I don't know what will come out of this. At the moment I'm just happy that we seem to get a second chance.

current mood: grateful

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Friday, December 1st, 2006
9:08 am - so true
Whenever the inner-going gets tough,
which it must if we are to grow,
it is far better for us to temporarily 'fail'
at becoming what we intend to be
than it is to succeed at remaining
who and what we have been.

current mood: exhausted

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Thursday, November 30th, 2006
8:15 am - 'Ashmael' moved in
The new laptop arrived yesterday. Bought it at Dell and the guy from UPS was friendly enough to give the delivery a second try. He hadn't had to do that, sometimes people are just costumer-friendly. I called him 'Ashmael' after a character from the Wraeththu-books of Storm Constantine.
So far I've just managed to install the W-LAN access (with a little help from Erik) and ICQ. The rest will follow.

There wasn't mcuh time to take care of Ashmael, however, because my brother called me. He, hm, helped me to understand someone. I think this two or three hours have been the most 'intimate' conversation we ever had.

current mood: contemplative

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Wednesday, November 29th, 2006
1:40 pm - Oops, I've been a bad, bad girl!
Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

In June I farted in an elevator (-6 points). Last Wednesday I broke elvses's X-Box (-12 points). Last Thursday I committed genocide... Sorry about that, tzaaihta (-5000 points). Last Monday I bought porn for wiseheart (-10 points). In February on a flight to Vancouver, I stole the emergency flight information card (-40 points).

Overall, I've been naughty (-5068 points). For Christmas I deserve a spanking!


Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:

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8:43 am - The Return of the Muse - ?
It feels as if the (very!) open conversation I've had with the person connected with my problems helped a lot. At the moment I feel a strange peace inside me, not the tired 'peace' from two weeks ago, more a relaxed kind which reminds me of the person I've been once.
Sometimes even my muse returns and whispers into my ear about writing stories!
Is this a good sign, a step towards healing? Or just one of the Ups of which I've had so many?
I don't dare to trust this feeling but I try to enjoy it nonetheless.

And still:despite of all the pain and suffering, the despair and insecurity this year included - I have learned and grown so much (well, at least I hope I did) that it seems worth every moment of unhappiness and every single tear. Not to mention the good things which happened, the support from old friends and the new friend I've found.

Silver lining the clouds....

current mood: contemplative

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Monday, November 27th, 2006
9:21 am - The difficulty of contentment
Last weekend I've felt simply content for the first time in months. It was just the feeling that my life is okay, that I could spend my days with reading all the wonderful books I have and not miss a partner in my life.
This mood didn't last and the isolation returned (although I know that it is unnecessary - I have friends and family around. But all of you who have lost a long-time relationship (read: everyone) will know how it feels to be alone so sudden, especially when your friends live too far away for a spontaneous visit). It's a first sign of healing, however.

And as painful as this year has been so far, I've learned and gained so much that it was worth the pain.
(Still it would be nice if it could stop now and give me the chance to become the old, happy, optimistic Earonn again. ;) )

current mood: hopeful

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Thursday, November 2nd, 2006
10:25 pm - Samhain
Hope you had a happy Samhain/ Halloween/ All Saint's Day - whatever you believe in.
For those of you who follow the Celtic ways - happy New Year!

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Tuesday, September 26th, 2006
8:11 pm - things that make life worth living (lebenswertliste)
1. to feel hopeful without any special reason
2. to be surprised by a heavy autumnal rain, being wet to the bones - and enjoying it
3. a stranger who offers to drive you home because he pities you for your wet-to-the-bone state
4. the first evening after the summer when you light candles
(actually this is the second evening but last time I had a very dear friend for a visit - today I'm alone)
5. apple-juice, self-made by a friend

current mood: hopeful

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Monday, September 11th, 2006
8:23 pm - Holy beech-nut!
To my greatest surprise Gyros and Souflaki haven't done more damage than to steal an old sheet of paper and a cork.
I had gathered some beech-nuts last Saturday, they were in a small wooden bowl on the altar. Nothing special, just beech-nuts.
Well, apparently the rats ain't pagan, because they showed not the least respect but ate almost all of the beech-nuts. ;)

Got the 'Galaxina'-DVD today. I hope that it's a movie my brother and I loved when we were kids. Have to watch it - if it's the right one, he will get a wonderful birthday present.

BTW: I like the expression "Holy beech-nut!". In German "Heilige Buchecker!" sounds quite nice! :D

current mood: anxious

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8:27 am - The name of fear...
Marja invited me yesterday afternoon. We had a nice evening and, well, I was home late.Due to that I didn't manage to catch Gyros and Souflaki on their daily tour before they hid in some dark corner to sleep.Apparently one of those dark corners is under my bed, during the night I heard sounds of gnawing which could have given Morgoth a headache.And now they are running around freely in my flat while I'm at work.
I'm really, really frightened...

current mood: tired

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Friday, July 14th, 2006
4:29 pm - Pimp your Earonn
Today's my company's big summer party. My, and I won't see it, *what* a *pity*.
And why can't I come to that universe-shaking party? Because I'm going to get my hair cut.
Today the first part of 'Pimp your Earonn' takes place. Marja (whom some of you will know as the photographer of the gorgeous Wraeththu-photobook) offered me some advice regarding hair, face, clothing, accessoirs and so on. Not a completely new style just some changes. I wanted to do something like that for a long time.

As for the recent changes in my life...hm, I feel better. Still there's too much brooding and some tears every now and then but that's only to be expected, right? At least I've started with my drawing again and, hopefully, the writing will follow soon.

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Friday, June 23rd, 2006
12:55 pm - big changes
Have been absent from almost everything. Well, friends, actually the past weeks have been very straining and stressful for me and only now I begin to heal - or at least, I hope that I do.

In short, about two weeks ago I've ended my relationship with Erik.

We've been together for almost seven years, so you can imagine how it felt. Nothing went particularly wrong, it's just that people develop and our developments took different directions. We've been different from the beginning and during the past months we were living rather 'side by side' than 'together'.
It's not that bad. Erik felt similar and we are still friends. And some people have given me much support and friendship, they helped me both to understand what was going on and to go through this difficult development.

current mood: sad

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Monday, April 3rd, 2006
12:45 pm - The fun of being 35
Phew. Now I'm half as old as my Mum. She said that the years between 35 and 50 had been her happiest and that it would be a great age. I don't disagree, it feels great. Well, so did 34, 33, 32, 31....

bad: if you meet nice young men at parties and find out that biologically they could be your sons.
good: that said possible sons were quite astounded when they learned my age. ;)

current mood: happy

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